god only knows.......

Sun, 01 Jan 2006 16:09:22 GMT

hey peeps...long time no write..no really a really long time.. this christmas break has been awesome. i had a great christmas, thanks to illegal fireworks and good cookies. matt and i are supa cool and happy.... that's it.. life rocks, so does GOD

WASSSSUUUP!???!???

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 19:37:53 GMT

well am so bored of this whole coming home early thing every day.. i can't wait till my class starts so i will have something to do all afternoon.! this week is pretty depressing i mean everybody is leaving.....i guess they have to though people have to get on with their lives. oh and i kinda feel bad in a since that carly's feels that way towards me (read her lj) cause she was with her kids and got close to them but she wants to move on i mean she wanted me to take over everything... don't get jelous cause that just makes it worse... i know you're leaving but i think it is the worst way to leave with bad or angry feelings. i know how it goes don't be mad at me. i love you and you love your kids.. they will always say you were there first baby sitter and no one can take that away. please don't be jelous...

on a lighter note school is good and i love being back into the swing of things.. i had dance class last night and it was the most painful thing ever.. well when i woke up i was in pain.! ouch! matty is great and we are better then ever! gosh i love that kid. i met a knew friend her name is Laura and she freaking rocks! she is so down to earth and willing to listen, (i talk a lot...)... she does to though... pretty sweet if you ask me.! ohk well i will go!!

love and peace!

god bless

the first shall be last and the last shall be first....

(i don't remember what verse it exactly is..it is itn the bible though)

oh my goodness....

Sat, 13 Aug 2005 11:47:55 GMT

so this might be a long entry cause i been thinking again.... so yesterday (friday) ws a writing workshop in my english class. this means we can write about anything we want in any style we choose...cool huh? well i was looking through this magazine "teen ink" and i saw this quote "it doesn't matter who you father was, it matters who you remember him as." holy cow this impacted me.. i've never saw that before and it just dumbfounded me... if you don't know my relationship with me and my dad it is rocky very rocky..i am going to share with you something i don't really like to talk about cause it is very personal to my heart.... my dad is very messed up cause of a car wreck that happened 13 yrs ago.. this stupid lady fell asleep at the wheel and hit my dad.>! not cool at all. well i have somany mmixed emotions about this whole deal and i want everybody to seee what happened.. i have never shown thesee pics to anyone else except people ooooober close to me...(matt..i think i have). they are very personal and i feel everyone should now how my life changed in one day when i was only 3 and my sister was just born...! it is horable and i only hope that this never has to happen to ne one else. also i am going to post my paper i wrote about this whole ordeal... you don't have to read it but if you want here it is.... also if isn't done yet so it kinda jsut ends...

When I saw that quote for the first time it made me think of my dad. My dad fot in a car wreck when I was just 3 and got very messed up. He has so much brain damage and loss of him I w ill never be able to know who he was for real. Yes my father is a live and he lives life as we all do but he isn’t emotionally stable. My mom always tells me the day of the wreck is the day she lost the man she married.
The man my mom married, from her words, was funny, loving and compassionate. He had a love for his 2 daughters that was unreal. I never met this man my mom talks about because I don’t remember him. My dad lives in Pennsylvania and doesn’t call me but once every month or so, doesn’t help my mom with my medical bills (which are expensive), and I don’t even know if he will see me walk at graduation. I have had to live with this for so long.
Sure, I try to keep our relationship strong and call him and tell him my success and what not and he always says, “ I will call you next week.” Does he call next week, not a chance. In fact he hasn’t called me all summer. The last time I talked to him was in June. I just don’t understand it. It makes me so angry inside to think I am not important enough to him to call me and check up on me.
Since I get so angry I have been to counselors ever since I was six. My life will be going so smoothly and thin I will think about him and get mad and depressed. I can’t sleep at night; I wake up crying and in rage.
I probably should tell you that he has, since the divorce, gotten re-married and has a son who is seven now. Sometimes I feel his son, Jarrod, has taken my place in his heart. Jarrod is such a great kid and loves me, weird I know. I’m not mad at him, I am angry that he took my place it wasn’t his choice though.
I used to go see my dad a lot and got very close to my half-brother Jarrod. He is so great! My step mom on the other hand is a B-word. I tried so hard to get a long with her but I know she doesn’t want me around, she has her own family. We got in a huge fight one night and since then I haven’t been back to my dad’s house. I refuse to go there.
Now this is the part that hurts me the most. I left the next morning after the fight to come back home to Florida and I could see the hurt in my daddy’s eyes. He hugged me so hard before I got on the plane and I just remember so vividly the look on his face and the tears in his eyes. I remember thinking on the way home what I did wrong for him to not choose me instead of them. It was like he was torn, daughters or wife and son. Obviously he didn’t choose me and it hurts so much. I’ve seen my dad once since then and I know he isn’t happy and contempt with his life. It’s like he lies to himself and just stays in the situation because it is easier. I have so many mixed emotions.
I never know what to feel, is it his fault or it isn’t? Is it his fault he won’t get help to fix things and take his meds like he is supposed to so he can be normal. But how could it be his faults when he is so messed up to even know that he is hurting me. My mind keeps bringing me back to that image of my dad just standing there saying good bye to me balling his eyes out and repeating over and over again how much he loves me. I just don’t understand why this is like it is. I miss him so much and I know he misses me also.

my dad's car after the wreck....

another one

i will never be this close to him again.

i hope this has an impact on everyone.. drive safe and don't drive when you don't think you are healthy enough to... many peoples lives can change by one action you may chose to involve yourself in so don't put yourself or anyone else in a position to get hurt.. i love everybody and god bless!>>>

I LOVE GOD!!! yay!!!

Tue, 09 Aug 2005 17:02:50 GMT

hellooo.... how is everyone??? i hope good.. sorry i haven't updated in a little but that's ohk. um i am gong to write the song lyrics to a song, (like monica!) cause this song means so much to me... it is by mercy me.. and all of you crazy reach workcampers will know this song.

Take this world from me
I don't need it anymore
I am finally free
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you
Oh and I worship you...

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

Now I have a peace
I've never known before
I find myself complete
My heart is spoken for

Oh and I praise you

Oh and I worship you...

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

By the power of the cross
You've taken what was lost
And made it fully yours
And I have been redeemed
By you that spoke to me
Now I am spoken for

Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord
To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for
Covered by your love divine
Child of the risen Lord

To hear you say "This one's mine"
My heart is spoken for

Take this world from me
Don't need it anymore...

one night me and matt were listening to this song and he brought something up that i never thought of before.. when the song says "to hear you say this ones mine, my heart is spoken for" it means so much.. like God is saying i am his child and i don't need excuses or reasons to believe him because i am already spoken for.. like he has my back and all i need to do is focus on him... gosh how meaningful.. i love that song i recommend it to anyone if they are testy about their faith!

♥

Sun, 07 Aug 2005 00:58:11 GMT

hey everyone! here are so pics....yay drumline!

i love matty!

go jim!

god bless

Fri, 05 Aug 2005 00:05:08 GMT

so school pretty much rocks. i have some great teachers and classes! i am kinda glad it has started cause i get bored during the summer!

well i hope everyone has a safe and blessed night!

Love and GOD BLESS!

hello

Mon, 01 Aug 2005 20:20:54 GMT

hey everybody... i am glad you guys are commenting on my stuff that rocks... sorry i haven't posted in a while but i am back and plan to keep updating.. i so happy for school to start and for another football season to come! i am bored just doin nothing... well i guess i will talk to you later..

love you GOD BLESS!

Romans 12:2

ello....

Mon, 25 Jul 2005 19:34:16 GMT

hey you crazy kids.... i hope your guyses trip to puerto rico was fun! glad you got back safe... me and brit made cookies for the drumline today.. yummy stuf... last night i went to dave's party that was great fun! not much is happen... i love everyone!

HELLLOOOO!!

Tue, 19 Jul 2005 22:58:31 GMT

hey today has been great! i played play station all day and went to payless to look at shoes.. not much happened but that's ok! oh i also went to work out! yippy! call me if anyone wants to do something. love and hugs

me and angie... she's so cute!

what an amazing person to be with, allyson!

i had so much fun! i want to go back! now....

i'm back...

Mon, 18 Jul 2005 16:41:25 GMT

hey everyone.. i have been gone for a while.. i went on a mission trip to tennessee but now i am back. it was so much fun helping people and getting to spend a lot of time with friends...i got to get closer to so many great kids and learn about there relationships with Christ... it was amazing.

i love GOD! :)

Thu, 07 Jul 2005 00:58:07 GMT

hey guys... tonite was great.. i went to this awesome bible study and learned a lot well maybe not learned but deffetly reassured. God works in so many mysterious ways, it is crazy, you know? well yet again i had a great day and i have to get ready for reach soon.. not so much fun...i hate packing! but it should be fun!

love to all..

prayers: brit and jim (especially jim)!!!

♥

i'm not bored ne more!

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 18:47:47 GMT

hey everybody! matt got a lj.. his name is no1_really_wins

sweet... check it out.. there isn't much yet.. but just wait!

Love to all.>>!

GOD BLESS

i'm bored!

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 16:38:38 GMT

i am soooooooo bored.... i don't know what to do with myself.. i can't wait till we leave for reach cause this is rediculus.. if ne one has ne ideas on what to do..please write... love you

god bless

♥

GOOOOOOD MORNING!

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 13:44:40 GMT

Goooood morning everybody! nothing has really happened yet today... but everyone just pray for brit and hope that she is safe in her doctors care today....

....do not worry about tomorrow...

matthew 6:34

♥

hey everyone!

Wed, 06 Jul 2005 01:39:24 GMT

hey guys! i had an awesome day! probabaly one of the best days of my summer..! i went out to eat with brit at crispers today and then we went swimming at the LYCC!! super cool... of yeah matt, logan, and jim came swimming also..... it was great! oh yeah brit mrs. cheryl says she hopes you have a good surgery tomorrow..! we also watched a movie it was fun!! logan's cousin was just talking to me about how she doesn't fit in here... tear tear... i can totally understand that... and logan's brother wants to get on now... well i guess i will talk to you later.. love ya...

Tue, 05 Jul 2005 22:43:01 GMT

new journal!<3